Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

“Vulnerability is not weakness,” writes Brown. In fact, “Vulnerability is the the core, the heart, the center of meaningful human experiences.” Without vulnerability, there can be no love, there can be no achievement, there can be no greatness. Unfortunately, instead of developing skills of vulnerability, we too frequently develop armoring techniques. We spend all our energy avoiding getting hurt, avoiding shame. But there’s no surer way to not feel loved, not feel connected, not be fulfilled, than to practice the avoidance of vulnerability.

Brown is a vulnerability researcher. She sees vulnerability as the prerequisite to living what she calls the “Wholehearted life.” The Wholehearted life is one of deep attachment to others, our environment, and our work. It’s a life of being “really there,” of being willing to fail. No one can avoid being actually vulnerable. We all are vulnerable every moment of our lives — though some times more than others. But if we run from it, we lose.

Here’s how she breaks it down:

1. Love and belonging is an irreducible need. We all need it.
2. Those who feel a deep sense of love and belonging… feel loveable. They believe they are worthy of being loved.
3. A strong belief in our worthiness doesn’t just happen. It must be cultivated.
4. The main concern of Wholehearted men and women is living a life defined by courage, compassion, and connection.
3. The Wholehearted identify vulnerability as the catalyst for courage, compassion, and connection. The willingness to be vulnerable is the single most important factor shared among the Wholehearted.

It comes down to this: If we don’t embrace vulnerability, we are destined to live a lonely, detached, unfulfilling life. But if we learn to embrace it in the right way, we can live a life of joy and connection. The crux is to understand that we are worthy of love. From the standpoint of this sense of worthiness, we are then able to open ourselves to one another and to the work that is before us.

A look at the table of contents gives a clearer picture of the argument of Daring Greatly:

- What It Means to Dare Greatly
- Introduction: My Adventures in the Arena
1. Scarcity: Looking Inside Our Culture of “Never Enough”
2. Debunking the Vulnerability Myths
3. Understanding and Combatting Shame
4. The Vulnerability Armory
5. Mind the Gap: Cultivating Change and Closing the Disengagement Divide
6. Disruptive Engagement: Daring to Rehumanize Education and Work
7. Wholehearted Parenting: Daring to Be the Adults We Want Our Children to Be
- Final Thoughts
- Appendix — Trust in Emergence: Grounded Theory and My Research Process
- Practicing Gratitude

Daring Greatly doesn’t focus on the area of love and relationships, but it offers invaluable tools for deepening our love partnerships. For going deeper into vulnerability in the context of a romantic relationship, check out The Couple’s Survival Workbook: What You Can Do To Reconnect With Your Partner and Make Your Marriage Work by Olsen and Stephens. More generally, if you’re interested in Browne’s concept of Wholehearted living — the contextual framework of Daring Greatly — check out The Gifts of Imperfection.

Daring Greatly is highly recommended as a primer for those who wish to step into the place they truly belong — it’s a place prepared for each person, but it has to be worked for. It’s not altogether easy, but it’s deeply relieving to understand that this essential skill is not about simply stepping out under a hail of deadly arrows. It’s about leaving behind lonely and fearful self-interest, having courage that deeper connection eagerly awaits us.

If you’re not already familiar with Dr. Brown’s work, you should definitely check out her three TED talks on Youtube or TED.com. Her videos are among the 10 most viewed TED talks of all time, and those will give you a great introduction to her work.

I was able to obtain an advance copy of Daring Greatly, and have also read Dr. Brown’s other two books and her clinical curriculum. Daring Greatly is, I think, her strongest work to-date. It breaks down the core elements of vulnerability (which is NOT weakness), and how allowing ourselves to be open and vulnerable opens us to levels of creativity, connection, and joy that we would never otherwise be able to find. It also covers her earlier works on shame and how shame (which all of us have, and the less we talk about it, the more we have it) impacts our ability to be open and vulnerable, but also how it can numb us and prevent us from being able to experience emotion fully. Daring Greatly (and all of Dr. Brown’s work) is based entirely on her academic research; she states in the book that she is not comfortable talking about topics unless backed by solid research, and that’s a refreshing change from most other authors in the self-help/pop psychology field.

The book has appeal to multiple audiences; there are sections relating to vulnerability in the workplace, in relationships, in art, expression, and creativity, and, perhaps most importantly for many of us, in raising our children. Each chapter of the book builds on earlier chapters and makes a strong case for taking steps to be more open and vulnerable ourselves. It also speaks to the impact of numbing (the opposite of vulnerability) in popular culture, and the effect of social media, reality television, and other external influences on our self-numbing behaviors.

One of the reasons the book speaks to me so strongly is the openness and vulnerability with which Dr. Brown speaks of her own experiences. She’s clear in describing herself as “a great mapmaker and a stumbling traveler” and I think it the descriptions of her own struggles with vulnerability that make the book so accessible and relatable.

While not a “how-to” book, Daring Greatly clearly describes the problems that shame and lack of vulnerability create, and how they come about, so that we can work to adapt our behaviors and learn to live more fully, vulnerability, and wholeheartedly.

Finally, for the scientific minded, Dr. Brown has included a lengthy and detailed appendix in which she describes her research methodology and the fundamentals of Grounded Theory research, the most rigorous and complicated of the qualitative research protocols. It’s pretty technical, but if anyone has questions about the methodology, rigor, or valildity of the research upon which her books are based should find ample detail and explanation.

I have no financial or other ties Dr. Brown or her work, but I am passionate in believing that her work in shame resilience and vulnerability could make an enormous difference to society if it were more widely discussed.

I am a recovering perfectionist. I have learned, since a child, to receive validation and my worth based on how others perceived me. I’ve always made excuses for it throughout my life, but Brene Brown slapped me in the face with this book and makes me want to be a more authentic and honest person. She gives you the understanding of how to develop your own self-worth and how important it is in order to live a beautiful life, and have beautiful relationships. She is inspiring b/c she struggles with the same thing, and that makes me feel understood. My favorite part of this book is how she defines so many of our emotions. This helps me understand mine and helps me walk my children through understanding their emotions. One of the greatest self-help books I’ve ever read!!!

Dr. Brene Brown has done it again! She has an incredible ability to take these very complex emotions like shame and vulnerability and shine a light on them from every direction to really understand the various ways they affect our relationships and our lives. And then she is able to distill them down to the poignant perspectives that really help to internalize the issues. Here are a couple on vulnerability that really helped me:
- I’m drawn to your vulnerability but repelled by mine
- Vulnerability is courage in you and inadequacy in me

And as with her previous work, her comfortable writing style and personal anecdotes make this an enjoyable read, despite the sensitive subject matter. From the very first chapter you really will begin to change the way you approach your daily life.

I’m a 24 year old male college student. The reason I mention the “male” thing is that I know many young guys would think the topic of this book is too touchy-feely for them. It’s not true. Men need books like this just as much as women do(if not more).

I found this at a time when my emotional life was not going well. I’m so thankful to have found it.The author uses a very comforting tone throughout the book and I really felt like she was speaking directly to me. Don’t be afraid to share this with the men in your life. I can’t say enough good things about this gem. It’s filled with timeless wisdom. Just read it!

Psychopaths adept detection of vulnerability is one of their most potent skills according to The Wisdom of Psychopaths: What Saints, Spies, and Serial Killers Can Teach Us About Success Ironically, the sharing of one’s vulnerability with trusted others is one of the prime gateways to overcoming shame according to the star of one of the ten most watched TED talks, Brene Brown. In Daring Greatly, she describes the paradoxical power of embracing our vulnerability and acknowledging our fears as a path towards being more courageous and connected with others. That means letting go of the need for certainty and control.

Clearly Brown and Dutton approach fearlessness from very different yet well-researched perspectives:
* Dutton shows that psychopaths are born with fearlessness that enables them to remain cool and capable, with a lack of empathy and thus capable of serial murder or successful surgery,
* Alternatively, for the rest of us mortals Brown, a longtime researcher on the effects of shame (something psychopaths don’t feel) sees the path toward fearlessness through owning our vulnerability. In so doing we become willing to take greater risks and be more deeply connected. These are very human benefits that make our lives meaningful yet make no sense to psychopaths who are, by nature, risk takers and often expert manipulators of others, even if, on the surface they appear to be charismatic and even visionary leaders or collaborators. I elaborate in my Forbes column, Connected & Quotable: [...]

Brene Brown’s book is the kind in which one does considerably underlining, and sharing with friends. Here are some of my favorite nuggets from it which I trust will stir you to buy it (the headlines are mind and the excerpts under them are from her book.:

Live a More Courageous, Fulfilling Life With Others

“Vulnerabilty sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.”

That’s one of my favorite insights from Brene’s book. Following is more news-you-can-use from Daring Greatly. The titles are mine yet the insights are hers:

The Benefits of Vulnerability

“Vulnerability isn’t good or bad…(it) is the core of all emotions… To feel is to be vulnerable. To believe vulnerability is weakness is to believe that feeling is weakness. To foreclose on our emotional life out of fear that the costs will be too high is to walk away from the very thing that gives purpose and meaning to living.”

* Supporting Their Better Side is More Productive Than Cutting Them Down to Size

“The topic of narcissism has penetrated the social consciousness enough that most people correctly associate it with a patter of behaviors that include grandiosity, a pervasive need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. What almost no one understands is whatever level of severity in this diagnosis is underpinned with shame. Which means we don’t `fix it’ by cutting people down to size… Shame is the cause of these behaviors, not the cure.”

* Being Open With Everyone is as Fear-Based as Shutting Everyone Out

“Vulnerability is based on mutuality and requires boundaries and trust. It’s not oversharing, it’s not purging, it’s not indiscriminate disclosure….Vulnerability is about sharing our feelings and our experiences with people who have earned the right to hear them.”

* Shame vs. Support: What Behaviors Does Your Company Reinforce?

“The most significant problems that everyone from C-level executives to the front-line folks talk to me about stem from disengagement, the lack of feedback, the fear of staying relevant amid rapid change and the need for clarity of purpose. If we want to reignite innovation and passion, we have to rehumanize work. When shame becomes a management style, engagement dies. When failure is not an option we can forget about learning, creativity, and innovation.”

* How Relationships Burn Up
When I talk with couples, I can see how shame creates one of the dynamics most lethal to a relationship. Women, who feel shame when they don’t feel heard or validated, often resort to pushing or provoking with criticism (“Why don’t you ever do enough?” or “You never get it right”). Men, in turn, who feel shame when they feel criticized for being inadequate, either shut down (leading women to poke and provoke more) or come back with anger.”

What Naturally Brings Us Closer….[...]

I just purchased the audio form and the reader is so wrong for this book! She almost sounds mechanical and awkward at times. She places the wrong emphasis on words and it’s as if it is the first time she has ever read the book. Lacking fluidity. I purchased the hard copy yesterday because it is too painful to listen to the audio version. The book is phenomenal and Brene Brown is incredible. However, take a pass on the audio version.

The title says it all. This book made me a braver and stronger person simply by reading it. Buy the book…take the ride.